These funny jokes will help you turn your frown upside-down.
By Bob Larkin Carrie Weisman
January 17, 2023
By Bob Larkin Carrie Weisman
January 17, 2023
There's a time and a place for well-crafted, sophisticated, complex jokes that you have to have a certain level of knowledge or experience to even get. But hilarious jokes never go out of style. If your sense of humor tends to lean toward the goofy side of things, don't be ashamed. Everyone loves a good crowd-pleaser—that's why we call them that! So read on for some of the funniest two-line jokes and quick quips around, and don't forget to pass them on to your equally immature friends.
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Get ready to laugh, hard. Because below, we've put together a long list of the funniest jokes the internet has to offer. We've even broken things down by category so that you know which jokes will land best among your audience.
Hilarious Jokes for Adults
- What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.
- When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils… they dilate.
- Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen reigned there for decades.
- You know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.
- What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" whack.
- A friend of mine went bald years ago but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
- What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
- What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.
- I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
- I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" It was a running joke.
- What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk."
- Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know, and I don't care.
- Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.
- Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
- They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now! Wait…
- You're not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
- Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
- And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- "I stand corrected!" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
- What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
- I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.
- What's Forrest Gump's email password? 1Forrest1.
- I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
- Do you want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
- Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.
- How much space will free up in the EU after Brexit? Approximately one GB.
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Clean, Funny Jokes
- What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
- If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
- I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
- What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
- Got a PS5 for my little brother. Best trade I've ever done!
- I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!
- I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.
- Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was deadlifting.
- Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies.
- How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.
- Why don't male ants sink? Because they're boy-ant.
- A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled… cheese." The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a bear!"
- What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.
- Why do oranges wear sunscreen? So they don't peel.
- What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
- Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
- Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!"
- What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? "Close the door, I'm dressing!"
- How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
- What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks—I'll never part with it.
- Why were they called the Dark Ages? Because there were a lot of knights.
- What did the left eye say to the right eye? "Between you and me, something smells."
- What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
- A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is!"
- What do you call bears with no ears? B—.
- Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils.
- What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
- Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year.
- Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
- What did the swordfish say to the marlin? "You're looking sharp."
- Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
- What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A maybe.
- Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu—you get what you deserve.
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Hilarious Dad Jokes
- I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
- What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
- Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
- Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.
- What do you call a group of rabbits backing up? A receding hare line.
- Where do young trees go to learn? Elementree school.
- I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
- What washes up on very small beaches? Micro-waves.
- What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
- Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
- What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
- What do you call a hippie's wife? A Mississippi.
- Where are average things manufactured? The Satisfactory.
- Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.
- A limbo champ walks into a bar. He loses.
- Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor? It needed help figuring out its problems.
- What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce? A chicken sees a salad.
- Why are teddy bears never hungry? Because they're always stuffed.
- What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
- What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
- Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de-Brie.
- I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
- Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own? It was two tired.
- Why don't math majors throw house parties? Because it's not good to drink and derive.
- Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common? Because they'll never meet.
- What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? "Catch up!"
- Someone stole my mood ring yesterday. I don't know how I feel about that.
- Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, jooooooooooooooke.
- How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
- Why was the nurse asking for a red pen? She wanted it in case she had to draw blood.
- What's the best-smelling insect? A deodor-ant.
- How do you throw a space party? You planet.
- What does a house wear? Address.
- What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-Morse code.
- What did one hat say to the other? "You wait here, I'll go on ahead."
- What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? Neeeooooooow!
- Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse.
- Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.
- What does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
- How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
That's it for now! Be sure to check back with us soon for more funny jokes. You can also sign up for our newsletter so you don't miss out on what's next!
Funny• Humor• Jokes
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